Navigating through the dense world of diversity, our interactions with people often mirror an intricate intermingling of different emotions. Among this sea of emotions, pity and empathy stand out as the most powerful yet different responses to other people’s struggles. While it is in our human nature to experience some emotional resonance that draws us to the struggles of others, distinguishing between pity and empathy, as well as their impact on the objects of these emotions, becomes crucial.
In the case of persons with disabilities, this is a daily experience. Now, picture this scenario: a wheelchair user drives herself to church in her car just to worship. Suddenly, she is approached by a stranger.
“Nne, sorry, oh,” the stranger says, extending a rumpled ₦200 note to the lady in the wheelchair. “Please manage this.”
Now, the question becomes: Is this gesture born out of a genuine desire to connect, or from a misguided sense of pity? In our efforts to express our resonance with the challenges faced by persons with disabilities, it is crucial that we examine the motivations behind our actions. By doing so, we can discover the distinction between empathy and pity.
Understanding Pity vs. Empathy
The simplest definition I’ve got of these two emotional responses is: “pity is feeling bad for someone; empathy is feeling bad with someone.” While both address the emotional state of feeling bad, pity makes no effort to connect and share the pains of the individual beyond a superficial level. It feels sorry for others in a condescending manner, conveying to the individual, “You’re inferior. You’re less than whole!”
One striking aspect of pity is that it pins the identity of the individual within their struggles or challenges. It defines the individual by their problems, creating a feeling of helplessness.
However, empathy captures the identity of the individual outside their struggles. It recognizes the humanity and dignity of the individual first, then puts itself into their emotional shoes. This genuine connection and understanding evoke real efforts to support the individual.
Categorizing Persons with Disabilities as ‘Objects of Pity’
Recently, I read an article by Disability Africa titled “Charities Must Stop Creating Objects of Pity.” The writer made a very striking point. Commenting on a documentary film by Peter Brook titled “They Come in the Name of Helping,” which highlights how Western charities and individuals go to communities in African countries in the name of carrying ‘solutions’ to their problems without making efforts to establish any meaningful connection with the locals, the article emphasized how most charity organizations meant to help improve the lives of persons with disabilities only dehumanize them into mere objects of pity. For the sake of publicity and fundraising, these individuals are painted as “vulnerable,” “needy,” and “expensive” people who are a problem that needs to be “fixed” or “cured.”
This incorrect portrayal of persons with disabilities as vulnerable and needy creates stereotypes that evoke a misguided sense of pity. It is not uncommon for persons with disabilities to hear side remarks like “Eeyaah” or “chai,” accompanied by a slow shake of the head as we pass through crowded places, board public transport, or navigate busy markets. I encounter this almost all the time; someone will see the staff in my hand and the limp in my gait and remark, “Chai! Such a young lady!”
This sense of pity can manifest in unintended ways, such as declining a sincere gift from a person with a disability or stopping them from contributing to a cause when they genuinely have the capacity and desire to do so because you feel, “He’s the one who should be given to, not him giving.” It also appears in various other forms, like preventing a person with a disability from participating in a general activity or having lower expectations of them in the workplace. At the heart of society is a nest of pity that categorizes such individuals as inferior, less fortunate, fragile, helpless, and sometimes even hopeless. Consequently, any support we give is perceived not as empowering humanity but as “helping the needy and vulnerable.”
Crippling Effects of Pity
According to the article by Disability Africa, “one of the most important side effects of making someone an object of our pity is that it tends to weaken them, making them seem helpless and vulnerable….” This can perpetuate the cycle of discrimination against persons with disabilities. It is easy to perceive when someone responds to us from a sense of pity. Whenever I sense that from people (which is quite often), my immediate reaction is usually to tune out from such individuals because I dislike feeling helpless and vulnerable.
Furthermore, pity strips away the dignity of the individual and their sense of autonomy. It robs them of their ability to make decisions and choices that affect their personal lives. Hence, they are viewed as objects of charity rather than individuals with rights. Ultimately, pity takes away the power of the individual; it literally disempowers them.
Responding with Empathy
Persons with disabilities should not be seen as objects of pity. Rather, they should be approached with empathy—from a place of genuine understanding. This creates meaningful interactions and connections with them.
Approaching them with empathy also recognizes their strengths and capabilities. We come to understand that they are not as weak and helpless as society has painted them over the years. This fosters an inclusive society where everyone is encouraged to thrive.
Moreover, with empathy, we acknowledge and validate the experiences and feelings of others instead of dismissing them. When we do this, we encourage them and inspire the confidence and resilience they need to face life and pursue their goals.
In conclusion, understanding the difference between pity and empathy is important in our interactions with people, especially persons with disabilities. By cultivating empathy, we can promote meaningful connection and understanding of their challenges, their dignity, agency, and empowerment. This way, we can create a more inclusive society for all. Let’s make efforts to connect with the struggles of others beyond the surface level, going deeper to recognize and maintain their humanity and individuality, and supporting them in a manner that genuinely empowers.
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