by Kelvin Nengia
Every long term marriage is hard work. What you may be admiring as bliss and romance took consistent commitment.
Any couple that has enjoyed long term intimacy has gone through the five phases every marriage goes through.
The first phase is ROMANCE, when two lovers come together, their brains begin to ” fall in love”. The hormones control the senses such that they feel theirs is made in heaven. These high level of feel good hormones helps bonding, and keeps them blind to irritating behaviours and shortcomings of each other.
Then after a few months, the scale fall from their eyes, the hormones begin to dwindle and brain begin to reset. The reality begin to dawn on both. The wife begin to wonder why the husband has become critical about little things. The husband begin to see the weakness of his wife. They have been together a few years, and they may have a child by now. The brain chemicals that took over during the early stages of courtship have dissipated and it becomes easy to say,” This is not the person I married.”
The DISILLUSIONMENT stage which uncovers the flaws and shortcomings of the couples leads to anger and irritation. Couples begin to think whether something is wrong with their relationships.
The next crucial stage is the POWER STRUGGLE period and this is driven by the disillusionment and this often lead to power struggle. A man and a woman who are in love and struggling begin to have added difficulty of showing muscles. After romance subsides, the man may want more independent activities, the woman more contacts and friends. The couple who are in this stage of marriage don’t realize that their differences can actually be the key to long term marriage.
Research shows that the Power Struggle stage can go on for a long time. Sometimes it can lead to Divorce as we have seen in some couples. Not surprisingly, first marriages that end in divorce last an average of seven to eight years- the very time we are trying to change the other person.
This is the time that requires the couples to discover their differences, appreciate their uniqueness and uncover something beneath the surface.
To be continued….
Kevin Nengia is a journalist and author from Rivers State
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