The father’s role is as important as the mother’s in caring for a child with special needs. From my experience in counseling mums, I strongly recommend that parents go for counselling once they receive their child’s diagnosis. They need to heal as well as understand their roles in the relationship. The woman did not impregnate herself. The child is the responsibility of both parents. Aside from financial responsibility, the man has roles to play to enable the family live together successfully.
Some of the father’s roles /responsibility in Special Needs Parenting.
- Acceptance Of The Child’s Medical Condition
This is usually the foundation of the problem in the home. Having a child with special needs may make some men feel like a failure. There is the issue of culture and religion which also affects the way some men accept their special needs children. The man may be more concerned about how people in the community will regard him because of his special needs child. Examples of some of the comments I have heard: I do not want anyone to find out that I have a child with disabilities. People will talk about me; I do not want anyone’s pity. How can I have an abnormal child? Nobody in my family has an abnormal child and I won’t be the first.
A man once told his wife to choose between the marriage and the special needs child. She chose the marriage and put the child in an orphanage. I was of the opinion that he simply created a bitter and resentful woman who will be filled with guilt. It is one thing to give up her child by herself, it is another thing to force her to do so.
A woman once told me that her husband doesn’t carry their special needs child once they are in public. He doesn’t mind carrying her handbag but he would not go near the child in public.
Another woman said her husband is a pastor so he has refused to use a wheelchair for their child with mobility disorder. This is a child that is a preteen and it is difficult to move her around. According to him, how can he pray for people to get healed while his daughter is on a wheelchair.
These are just a few out of the many real-life situations. However, they are all rooted in ignorance, shame, fear of stigmatisation, and community acceptance. When a man is contending with these issues then he needs counselling and mentoring.
- Protection
In some families, once there is the presence of a special needs child, some members of the extended family will open the “book of family medical history” to prove that the disability did not come from their side of the family. They will say, “nobody in our family has ever had a child with disability. Your wife should take the child to where she got it from.”
“You need to go to the village to speak with Baba (native doctor).”
“She needs to stop working and focus on the child.” They may also insinuate that enemies are after the family.
It is the role of the father to protect his home from unnecessary invaders. These invaders will bring different ideas that will only make the matter worse and they will abandon the family at the end of the day.
As the man of the home, stand at the door. Knowing who to let in and knowing who to turn back is wisdom. Protect your wife and children. Do not allow people to sow seeds of discord in your home.
To be continued ….
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