QUESTION OF THE DAY: ‘I AM 36. MY PARENTS WITHHOLD CONSENT FOR ME TO MARRY MY DREAM MAN BECAUSE HE IS PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED. I WANT TO MARRY HIM WITHOUT IT. WHAT DOES THE BOSS THINK, PLEASE?‘
Introduction: You recall (don’t you?) my pledge to be more regular in this space. I am not like ’em: I try to do what I say. Well, not a hundred percent of the time. Good thing though is: while they operate at a dismal frequency of under five percent, mine is in the eighties, nineties, and counting.
Tres bien! You must forgive my naughty pugnacity as embedded and signposted in the foregoing. Every creative person is like that: restless, troublesome, judgemental. Alas, I am a good man, even if I say so myself.
I can prove it. Yes, I am restless; I am judgemental; I am troublesome. But, never to destroy. No, I am only restlessly and judgementally troublesome primarily to humour and then advise.
I crave a world where those who lead do so with their all: their heart, their head, their being. I crave a world where there’s no line at all between what a leader says and does; words and actions. I crave a world where leadership would be more accessible, less highfalutin, and more or less wise. It is possible.
1.0 That’s the only (one) way to resolve the snowballing disdain for leaders and leadership found among every stratum of followership. I once shared a few ideas of mine on this, using my state of origin as case study. Next up, let’s flip over to winning ways. ASK THE BOSS, our socioemotional melting point, starts now.
2.0 Here’s a mail sent in by a lady. She wants both her name and address tucked away from public view. I have therefore renamed her and the other major character in her story. It’s a love story, really; something I know you would love.
3.0 Entry of the Day: ‘THE BOSS, my name is Agnes. I am 36. I have dated many men over the years but none of them ever got serious with me. It is not that I am not beautiful or haven’t what it takes to make a good wife.
4.0 ‘But history kept repeating itself and I found myself being jilted or dumped irrespective of what I put into a relationship. It got to a point I decided to have nothing to do with men anymore. A year ago, I met Kingsley, a vibrant entrepreneur. He exhibits godly character and treats me with respect.
5.0 ‘He didn’t put sex first nor did he use dubious means to milk me dry like some men I have known. Rather, he encourages and advises me on life’s issues including how to handle my business. Two months ago, Kingsley proposed to me. I was happy because I found in him all that a woman needs in a man.
6.0 ‘However, when I introduced him to my parents, they kicked against it because he is handicapped (sic). Kingsley totters when he walks due to an accident he had years back. All of my pleas and persuasion fall on deaf ears. Surely, the way Kingsley walks shouldn’t disqualify us from marrying each other?
7.0 ‘What if he were my brother? Would my parents have stopped him from marrying a beautiful lady? I mean, Kingsley could have been my parents’ son, brother or nephew. I want to go ahead and marry Kingsley because I love him and he loves me.
8.0 ‘To me, he is not handicapped (sic) but a noble man. And yes, THE BOSS, I don’t want to end up an old maid. Please help. Thank you, and God bless you, Sir’!
9.0 My Take: This is how tricky and dangerous some catch-22’s can get. But, you know what, my dear Agnes, more haste, less speed. Cool down, Darling. I should give you a better (?) roadmap, presently.
10.0 Before then though, can I meet minds with you on one or two things you have said? One, you should appreciate, not badmouth, the men who ”used and dumped” you. Choose to see only their blessing-in-disguise role in your life: they prepared or taught you to love and appreciate Kingsley anyhow. I bet you, but for what you went through in the hands of loverboys, you would have been like your parents: seeing only the physically challenged exterior rather than the all-correct interior of Kingsley.
11.0 Truth to tell, those men gave you something you would never have been able to buy even if you had all the money. It’s called experience. Two, I don’t like to hear good people pitying themselves; you know, about how their goodness only brings them bad returns. Good people (if they exist) ought to know that life is less about input; that life is more about destiny.
12.0 That should explain away that perennial vexed poser: why do good people end up so disastrously, and bad people so beautifully? I say it again: life is more about what nature designed; less about what you garbaged into it. Therefore, Dear Agi, keep being good, keep doing good if that’s you but expect no commensurate goodness. Or, you’d frustrate yourself with discouragement!
13.0 Furthermore -coming to the major headline of your situation- I need you to realise that love alone is not enough for marriage. In fact, there’s not any one-all criterion for marriage: not love; not money; not power; not looks, not anything. Just as marriage itself is about coming together, the union can only be lubricated or enhanced by a fusion of these and other elements. And the sweetener of it all (or what I call icing on the wedding cake) is parental blessing.
14.0 See, if any particular element were to be fundamental in marriage, it would be parental blessing; but no, because it cannot alone lead to marital success. It must fuse with other elements. I suspect that you have already caught my drift. Do not marry Kingsley -or any other man, for that matter- sans the blessings of your parents.
15.0 Yes, a few children have succeeded, in spite of. But, is it godly? Is it right? Is that the heritage you want to bequeath to your children and children’s children; that their mum and grannie eloped?
16.0 Here’s how I think you can best navigate through this inclement weather. Pray, I say, pray. Kingsley and you should take time off to fast and pray. If Kingsley and you were meant to be, divine intervention shall cause mum and dad to joyfully anoint you both soon, just as every other support shall fall into place, beyond your wildest imagination.
17.0 Rest assured, you won’t end up a single ‘old maid’. You shall have Kingsley. But, don’t be anachronistic: do first things first. Overcome the barriers that arise on your way.
18.0 Be prayerful. Be patient. Be anxious for nothing. You shall settle down, my dear Agnes; you shall settle down.
19.0 And with your parents by your side. That’s key if one of your matrimonial ambitions is to be a happy, respected and complete married wife, ever after. Say me well to Kingsley. Tell him I have asked him to pray more; love his prospective in-laws more; and above all, to learn to wait more.
20.0 Time conquers and heals all. Pray, wait, pray. That is to say, watch and pray. You shall smile again, in no time.
Conclusion: I agree that the tool I have recommended for Agnes and Kingsley seems too simplistic. The truth is that it is not just an effective strategy in the circumstance but the only one. I shall be praying for them. Please join me, even if you can’t.
Let’s pray for Agnes’s parents to come to, sooner rather than later, if Kingsley and she were predestinated for each other; as well as for parents of potential spouses the world over to look beyond surface and material endowments in deciding to give or withhold assent. And, since we are still in the mood of prayer, that God would enable wives for our brothers and friends who, under the guise of not finding wife materials, have remained perpetual bachelors. Pray, Somebody, pray.
God bless Nigeria!
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