Being a man comes with responsibilities, expectations and the quest for achievement. When the everyday challenges in life is combined with having a special needs child, some men do not know how to handle it. With reference to some of the men that I have spoken with, the confusion starts from asking the question, “how come? How can I have a special needs child? It’s not possible.”
Moving forward, how can this problem be fixed? That is the next issue. What messes up their minds is the fact that the problem has no known cure.
Another big issue I have seen is that they do not wish anyone to know. Everything is handled secretly. Even when the woman finally accepts the child’s diagnosis, it takes a longer time for some men to accept especially when the disability is not physical. I remember a woman was told by her husband not to read my books on disability awareness because doing so is admitting that their child has a disability.
Some women have told me that they would love to share their special needs parenting journey but their husbands would never allow them to do so.
Do you blame the fathers? No, I don’t. I blame the community who mystifies and create strange stories about what they do not understand. A father of a special needs child once told me that his friend told a mutual friend that he used his special needs child to create his wealth.
No wonder some fathers of special needs children find it difficult to openly accept their children’s medical condition. They have been conditioned by the society to see it as something wrong with the man and his family.
To the fathers who have accepted their children and are not afraid to face the society, well done, thou brave men of valour. You alone can talk about the challenges you have gone through and still going through integrating your child into the community.
To the fathers struggling with acceptance, stigmatisation, shame, fear… I see you, I understand and I empathise with you. I wish I could tell you that the world would be kinder by this time tomorrow. Unfortunately, I cannot. All I can tell you is that you do not need the world’s permission to be a good father to your special needs child.
There are some fathers who do not understand what to do with their special needs children and are too ashamed to seek for help. Yet another set of fathers who are angry, confused and do not know how to channel their frustrations.
I often say that when parents receive their child’s diagnosis, they need as much intervention as the child. While the child’s intervention may be medical, the parent’s intervention is oftentimes psychological. You cannot help your child if you don’t start by helping yourself.
Some of the necessary intervention for fathers, counselling, mentoring, therapy, prayers (for people of faith), training & seminars, support groups etc. Many fathers reject this advice and they struggle with special needs parenting.
Dear fathers, spend time to heal from the trauma, confusion and challenges that comes with having a special needs child especially when living in Africa. As a person of faith, spend time praying, building your faith in God, trusting that he loves you, he cares for you and he has your back. Then love your special needs child, protect your family and be the change in your community.
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