I got into a conversation with a friend a few days ago, and somewhere along the line, I threw this question at her;
“Have you ever felt like a failure?”
She hesitated. Then, “Yes,” she answered, probably wondering at the unexpected change of depth in the conversation.
Like a dog catching the whiff of some game in the air, I rested my arms on the table and looked at her with a gleam of deep interest in my eyes.
“What made you feel that way?”
She relaxed back into her chair with an audible sigh. I had probably struck a cord. Because I could sense her reluctancy. I could see the sudden dim in her eyes as dead memories came rushing back to life. But she opened up finally.
“I wished I had come out of school with a better result. If I knew what I know now, it would have been different. Now, each time I’m made to go back that lane, I feel so bad.”
“So, if you had had a better result coming out of uni, you’d have considered yourself a success?”
“Yes,” she answered.
“Okay. But what about now? You didn’t make the best result, but you’re an awesome teacher.”
She sighed and shook her head. “I don’t know.”
As I sat alone afterwards in the tranquility of the night with a replay of that conversation running through my mind, I was reminded again of the subjectivity of this word ‘success’. This is an idea that resonates deeply with every one of us, yet I couldn’t help thinking how its meaning differs so dramatically from one person to another.
Conventionally, success has always been associated with individuals’ amount of wealth, social status, and personal achievements. But this definition is only as narrow as the space between two fingers pinched together, because it fails to capture the rich tapestry of what success truly represents. The concept is never absolute; it is relative according to our different purposes.
Different factors can influence a person’s idea of success, and this includes the socio-cultural environment and perspectives. But beyond this is our individual values; what we think are more valuable to us than others. What one person sees as the zenith of success, another may view it as irrelevant. For my friend, success for her was achieving academic excellence and certification. However, for some young persons out there, the definition of success for them is entrepreneurial advancement, technological advancement, or expertise in different artistic skills and crafts. For another person, success may mean just getting married, having kids and a peaceful home.
While in school, I had a course mate who was one of the most brilliant students in my class, naturally speaking. I saw in him a rising literary icon. But the number of days he was absent from class was more than the number of days he was present. He spent more of his time and resources purchasing and studying books of internationally acclaimed African literary giants outside the list of recommended texts; never interested in most of those recommended literary texts that, according to him, were yet to go beyond the four walls of the university. Obviously, success for this young man was never in clinching the BGS position or going home with an excellent result like it was for most of us, but in honing and mastering his literary skills. This highlights the fact that personal definitions of success are deeply rooted in our individual aspirations, circumstances and idea of purpose.
Furthermore, our understanding of success evolves as we progress through life. As youths, our focus hops from academic achievement to gaining a sense of social relevance and popularity. But as we grow older, we tend to tilt towards fostering more meaningful relationships, having meaningful experiences and contributing to the progress of our community. I believe this is the ultimate definition of success – relationship with God and with people around us; then understanding of our purpose and walking therein. This transcends external achievements.
However, being in a digital age, the social media has, sad enough, continued to play a crucial role in shaping individuals’ understanding of success, especially young people. Some of these platforms have continued to create distorted narratives of different achievements that have led to unrealistic comparison; the pressure to conform to an idealistic version of success leading to anxiety and dissatisfaction. Oftentimes, we forget that these narratives are just mere highlights which are often distorted to look real, but never the full story.
Just as the new year shakes the dew off its furs, there is need to understand that a meaningful relationship with God and people, alongside the understanding and fulfillment of our individual purpose should be the hallmark of our definition of success, not societal views. Each one of us have received different grace, skills and talents meant for the accomplishment of our different assignments. Mind you, a Peter that abandons his assignment to the Jews and runs to the Asian continent to join Paul just because he had read some news of his great exploits and thinks it’s greener over there would end up empty and dissatisfied. Except you’re either Barnabas or Silas who are destined to be his partners. Paint your canvas of success with your unique colours.
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