By Kelvin Nengia
Though I did not enjoy marriage for long before my late wife passed on, but from studies it’s at the POWER STRUGGLE STAGE that many couples break. Just recently AY the popular comedian announced divorce with his wife.
We had similar scenario with Tonto Dikeh and so many couples who were caught in the power struggle stage. The reason is simple: at the power struggle stage the couple begin to find independence as their differences show up. If couples fail to exploit this period to redirect their expectation divorce may become inevitable.
Once the couple over one this stage, a new awakening awaits them- they can now easily discover each other. And it often requires one or both to awaken to something that has been hiding beneath the surface.
The AWAKENING stage is like a breakthrough stage and this where stabilization comes into the marriage. The couple wake up to the realization that they have been too close to each other in unhealthy ways and must now psychologically separate. This separation does not mean divorce- it means understanding. In this new stage, the thinking brain overrides emotional responses that could cause conflict and a feeling of grief over lost romance.
At this stage a man may step back and say nothing when he sees his wife doing something that irritates – he just mentally works round it. A woman might supportively say,’ I understand what that’s about now”. At the end the relationship becomes a piece of empathy. However, this stage also requires sensitivity in terms of being different and independence, and understanding the strength of both male and female is the way to success.
Psychologists have discovered that a Long -Term Marriage is a balance- a way of relating. Couples live together , raise children, love and are loved, not because they have become the same as each other, but rather they have learnt to be happily different. They develop certain sets of friends, encourage each other in these friendships.
They practice kindness and politeness with each other in at least 95 per cent of their interactions.
They resolve arguments rather than letting things get worse. Yes they get angry and argue, but they make sure to apologise for unkindness and solve their conflicts.
Long term marriages are also built on rituals- like romantic evenings, holidaying, family dinners. These rituals become pillars that hold up the marriage.
Kevin Nengia is a Journalist, prolific writer and author, wrote from Port Harcourt, Rivers State
About The Author
